Q&A Hero

Question

One way to pose questions for this (and several other) chapters is to present them as advice column questions, with the students being the experts who respond. Another similar option is to present a question as if it is the students friend asking him/her for advice since the friend knows the student is in a Gender and Communication class. Students tend to enjoy these questions and they give them the opportunity to integrate the material in ways that are applicable to their lives. It is often helpful to integrate material from several chapters in the questions. Some examples include:

Dear Gender Communication Expert,

I am a female college senior, and I am so frustrated with my boyfriend Seth. Since well be graduating soon, its important to me that we really make sure our relationship is strong before entering the real world. But when I tell Seth that I want to feel closer to him, he ignores me and instead just spent a bunch of money for us to go skydiving! I dont want to jump out of a plane together, I want to talk! When I try to talk about my feelings about it, he barely looks at me and just starts fixing things around the apartment. Meanwhile, he just keeps planning more crazy dates like this. Im afraid he might not want to be with me anymore. What should I do?

Scared Senior

The framework for the answer to this question can be found on page 184.

Dear Scared Senior,

It sounds like Seth isnt trying to pull away at all, he just has a different way of showing closeness and affection. See, you have a very feminine idea of intimacytalking about your feelings and the relationshipbut Seth doesnt think of closeness that way. When he plans crazy dates for you or does other tasks for you (like fixing things around the apartment), he is showing you that he cares about you. This is a very masculine way of being close.

Masculine people, like Seth, often dont want to talk about the relationship unless they think something is wrong. You may want to talk to be sure things are okay, but Seth may think they are okay and so theres no need to talk. In fact, a date like skydiving may even suggest hes ready to do exciting (though sometimes scary) things with you, much like those youll face as you consider what youll do after graduation. I have two suggestions for you. First, try to remember that Seths actions are a demonstration of his feelings for you. Second, talk to him and explain that while you love that he does things for you, youd also like to spend some time engaging in some more feminine modes of closeness. If you can each try to understand the others perspective, youll be able to appreciate each others efforts more.

Good luck! Communication Expert

Dear Communication Expert,

Im a 20-year-old gay man. My boyfriend, Andrew, is driving me crazy! I really love him, but hes so needy. When we first got together, he was so independent, but now hes bugging me all the time to spend more time together and talk more on the phone. I like hanging out with Andrew, but I feel myself pulling back because its so annoying how much he wants to hang out. Spending time together used to be special, but now I feel like its never enough for him. Even though I care so much, the more he wants to see me, the less I find I want to see him. This would make sense to me if I just werent interested, but I really like Andrew, and I know hes starting to think I dont! Whats going on?